Mind Matters | Struggling to maintain relationships

"I’m a 24-year-old woman and my relationships don’t last, be it with friends or a romantic partner. Everyone wants to maintain distance with me. I think part of the problem is me, but I don’t know what to do. A lot of them have told me I victimize myself a lot and don’t like to take accountability for my mistakes. I know that’s true. But I can’t bring myself to admit it or work on myself. What should I do?"—A troubled woman

Answered by Dristy Moktan, psychosocial counselor, Happy Minds - Accepting one’s own shortcomings isn’t easy. It takes a lot of courage to come to a conclusion that you might have to work on yourself in order to mend your relationships with others. But the good thing is you’re trying to improve, not everyone is willing to do so.
You need to dig deeper into why the problems exist in the first place. Analyze your reactions to certain situations. Try figuring out why you act the way you do. Maybe that will give you an idea on where you can start working on yourself.

Sometimes, what you do might be your way of defending yourself from getting hurt. Or there might be some underlying issues, for instance childhood traumas. So figuring out the core problem will help you find better solutions. Maintaining relationships should go both ways. So you also need to communicate with other people. Talk to them and share what you feel. This can make the relationship even better. Communicating and understanding each other’s feelings can lead to a fulfilling relationship. Also, try keeping realistic goals when it comes to maintaining relationships. For instance, you can’t expect someone to be there for you all the time. So, set a goal that’s achievable for the both of you. Focus on the things that are under your control. Having said that, before trying to fix relationships with others, it’s always important to have a good relationship with oneself. Be aware of what you need to work on. Spend quality time with yourself. Good relationship with oneself will always help you to better understand your relationship with others.